mwgrant0 Wrote:
Going back to the depression thing, i'm only 11 and i have tried to kill myself, i just dont want to live. My parents are divorced, my mother lost her house and her car. I see my dad once or twice a week. I hide it in front of my friends, but it never goes away.
My parents never married, but we all lived together for most of my youth. When I was about 10 my dad started work a few cities away and traveled back on the weekends. Eventually, it was decided that to keep costs down (we were a poor family. I recall my mother making midnight runs to a Walmart 50 miles away to spent foodstamps out of fear of shame) we would move out of my home and into a smaller house my mother had bought before any of the kids were born and had rented out for the last 7 or so years.
I sunk into a deep depression about leaving my home, only seeing my dad on the weekends, living in a rodent infested house, and no-longer being in the solitude of the wilderness. To make things worse, I had a very antagonistic relationship with one of my teachers whom stressed me to the point of nearly having an ulcer at 10. She docked me for my handwriting which has always been poor, due to hand I coordination problems which also slowed my ability to take timed mathematics test- complete x numbers of problems in x amount of time. She tried to have me labeled as a special/troubled student so I was sent to the guidance counselor in elementary school. The guidance counselor placed me in gifted and talented and chastised my teacher for her methods, but the teacher refused to believe that I wasn't an idiot. By the end of year I was broken, I cried a lot, and current teachers were allowed to pick the next year's teacher; she had me sent to the troubled student's teacher. I had enough fight left in me to object and I was heard, so I became home schooled for one year.
My home schooled year was the worst slump of my life because I had so much free time but so little going on. I gained a good amount of weight, for which my older brothers teased me, I still wanted to go back to my other house, I wanted to see my dad more often, I lost all contact with any friends I had at school, and this was the first time in my life I ever had to confront death.
My great-grandmother, whom I knew my entire life had a stroke. She was 96 years old, so we knew this was it. The last time I saw her, this once formal woman who dressed up nice and kept her hair tight on her head, was now in a hospital gown, unable to move her legs, with her hair a mess. She couldn't speak well, but when she saw us she cried. She cried the entire time we were there and when we had to leave she pleaded with us not to go. She died a few days later, but seeing her like that. It still depresses me.
She died a few days later and her loss just added to the depression. I wanted to go home, I wanted friends, I was fat, I was stupid, I wanted Grandma Fix, I was so upset. Interestingly enough, this was when I discovered Mortal Kombat and Mortal Kombat Online. Needless to say, my idiocy on here didn't really help my mood.
But as the summer approached, things appeared bright- I was gonna go back to school, my test scores all placed me as advanced, and I was beginning to accept life where I was at. But then, I got the biggest curve ball in my life.
July 23rd, 2005. My dad picks me up to spend the weekend with him. We go to subway and I have a kid's size sandwich, this is before the 3inch- these are the old round ones; I'm dieting. On the sandwich is turkey, cheese, and lettuce. It's a nice day and we sit by the window. I tell dad that I'll make meat sauce for dinner without spaghetti; no carbs. He then takes me swimming at Tunnel beach, near Greer, Idaho. I used to like swimming. We sat on the beach, swam a bit, and talked. We watched a lady swim across the river. Then we notice something floating down the river. I encourage Dad to check it out- I regret that every day of my life.
I watched him drown. I screamed; people on neighboring beach tried to help but their was nothing they could do. The police arrived, my grandparents (my mom was out on a date with the man who would become my step-father at that time), I was taken to my grandmas to wait until there was news. They found him a few hours later and my poor little grandma had to deliver the news.
My brother had to tell my mother and she came down; she hugged me- the hardest tightest hug I'd ever felt.
Over the next few months my mom was rock. She held it together for me, and I started school as I thought Dad would want me too- stand up straight, work hard, let no one treat you poorly. I did well, but garnered a reputation for being cold, distant, and bossy. But I felt like I had to be, I had to be strong and the strong don't show emotion.
At home things took a turn for the worse- Mom finally broke. It began with a panic attack and trickled into depression and constant anxiety. Meanwhile, my older brother took to drinking which at times led to physical altercations between him and my mother, him and my older brother, and at times him and me.
It wasn't really until 2007-2008 that things started to get back to normal. I was finally Baptized into the faith I had chosen; Roman Catholicism. I found my niche in Student Government and public speaking, made some very strong friendships, and at one point lost 38% of my body weight.
Life has still thrown me a few rough spots since, I've lost some people I love, some friends, but all in all I think I'm doing all right now.
Grant, everyone wants pain to go away- I certainly did. But I never wanted to die. Life is a beautiful experience, and should be treasured. Sure it sucks some times, but that's only half of it. Life is 1/2 fate and 1/2 what you make of it.
Work hard, be kind, don't be cynical, and amazing things will happen for you.
Good luck, man.
